Jagged Little Pill (THROWBACK)

Lets take a moment to talk about my personal version of the boogieman, medications. My resistance to taking daily medications was very, very hard to work through. Dependance on something other than my own stubbornness just makes me cringe. I feel ashamed that in my mid-twenties, I have 6 medications...4 of which I am to take every single day, or potentially end up in a mental institution (again)(<---more on that later) or suicidal.

That being said, part of trying to reconcile myself with the reality of being bipolar is embracing my pills. Yes, I said embracing. Not tolerating, not grudgingly acquiescing...actually embracing my medications as a part of my life FOREVER.

Not that the pills themselves have helped their own case. Especially sleeping medications.

We'll start with Ambien. Ambien and I are NOT friends. The first time I took Ambien, I fell asleep, and didn't remember anything until the next morning. That sounds great, until you realize that I vomited repeatedly, wandered about for several hours, unable to be awakened, and apparently, I also screamed intermittently. That isn't exactly written on the bottle, folks. And the really funny part of it is, had I been alone when I took it, I wouldn't have known it wasn't working as directed. Besides waking up with a nasty taste in my mouth and a bit of what can only be described as a hangover, I was fine.

The next sleeping pill to fail miserably is Trazodone. This pill did put me to sleep, and didn't increase or decrease my sleepwalking in any noticeable fashion. However, I did lose all appetite. I lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks. "Gosh, get me a pill like that!" You might foolishly exclaim. Losing 5 pounds a week isn't good, and feeling like a flaccid Christmas blow-up decoration for the first 3 hours you're awake isn't all that awesome either.

Doxepin made me itchy. I think that's enough said there. ITCHY.

Rozerem worked fine, but wasn't covered by my insurance. Steep prices, people. Steep. I had to let that one go.

So, now, I'm taking melatonin (herbal) and Seroquel XR. I also have a perscripton for Chloral Hydrate, which sounds suspiciously like a cause of death in an Agatha Cristie Novel...but its for those nights where my brain won't stop no matter what I do. Its in liquid form. Yes, its disgusting. And yes, I think of the magic liquid Mary Poppins gives out every time I have to take it, and wish in vain that it will taste better this time.

I have more to say on the subject of medications, but fittingly, I took my evening medications before starting this blog entry, and they are working already.

You have no idea how beautiful that really is. Tonight, at least, I can embrace one aspect of my medicated life...being able to fall asleep.

Goodnight.