Depression

Depression is a creeping thing. It slips under your doorframe and crawls into bed with you.

I have had moments of sadness that hit me like a semi-truck. But in general, depression for me has started as a quiet dissatisfaction with nothing in particular. Just a nagging feeling that something, somewhere, needs fixing.

My personal depression experience has a lot to do with guilt. I heap myself with it. I blame myself for things that could not possibly be my fault; I take things that ARE my fault and expand them out into holocaust-sized sins. I have a Catholic upbringing, and we're second only to the Jewish people in guilt mastery. My mother, (wonderful woman by the way, only ever really punished us through guilt. I wake up and feel crippled by it. Bills that I pay late make me feel guilty--"I'm not a functioning member of society!" Not answering texts and calls right away--"I'm neglecting my friends and family!"...I once stepped on the cat while walking down the steps and wept for nearly an hour.

Depression is an over the top experience. People witnessing it from the outside are usually appalled and embarrassed for the depressed person. THEY HAVE A POINT.

Depression is completely absurd! It takes your emotions and reactions and ramps them up to hyperbolic extremes. But depression is not that person's fault. We all have days of being melodramatic and feeling sorry for ourselves--don't lie, we all do it. But depression lasts for weeks and months. It effects mood, sleep, food intake, concentration, and other aspects of health. Depression is physically painful at times. Depression is not a personal failing or a choice, it is a series of unfortunate brain chemistry actions, and often, it takes serious work to get out of depression.

It can take months to get into a really deep and pervasive depressive state. Every aspect of your being is colored by it. Therefore, telling someone to "snap out of it," or "cheer up" is downright insulting. Trust me when I say that the majority of depressed people do not want to be depressed. It sucks. It hurts, and it completely destroys relationships and self esteem. Some of them don't even REALIZE that they're depressed.

Being supportive of these people is important. Getting them professional help is huge--but they have to make that decision for themselves. Another thing that is important is not to martyr yourself. The man I loved during my severe depressive episode brought himself very very low trying to drag me along. He tried to get me help, and I fought and ignored him. I took his well intentioned criticisms and heard them as a complete rejection of everything that I was. I very nearly dragged him down with me, because he loved me. Don't do that to yourself. Don't ask me how to avoid it...just...don't.

I personally believe that it is possible for most depressive episodes to be broken by a person without medication, if they are given the right tools. I believe that meditation, goal setting, strictly regimenting your day to include sleep and exercise, as well as balancing your diet and cutting out the alcohol can help pull you out of a depression.

I also know that for me, those things did not work on their own. I needed medication to help. And I am not alone. Many people find themselves in holes so black and deep that they cannot crawl out without a lamp and a bit of rope.

Medication is not a sign of weakness.

(I should have to write that on a board 9,000 times. "Medication is not a sign of weakness...medication is not a sign of weakness...Medication is not...")

I had a very hard time accepting the prospect of medications for my depression symptoms. Additionally, it never even occurred to me at the time that my hypomanic times might have benefited from a few little white pills. But hitting my personal rock bottom in a severe depressive episode taught me that sometimes, you just need more chemical help than you can pump into your brain through willpower alone.

I am a damn stubborn woman. To a FAULT. I can outargue most people, and have challenged myself in more ways than I can think of, and I generally come out at alright. But being stubborn about not getting medical help was not a good decision.

I barely remember the first 36 hours after I went into the inpatient psych facility. (yes, I have been inpatient, more on that later, I promise)

But around day 3...my world was completely different. Life still kinda sucked--I was still getting dumped, for example, but I could see the other side. I still had about 4 months of hard self-reflection and work to do to get to a healthy head-space, but I can tell you for certain that medication started me on the right path.

I didn't know where I was going with his post, and it shows. Sorry about that. But I felt the need to try and...process my depression experience. I am no longer depressed. I look back on that time and feel ashamed and embarrassed for past-me. I am angry and feel guilty about the time that was wasted, and the relationships that I damaged, some irreparably. But it is in the past. I am not the same person as I am when I am depressed. That guilt doesn't need to follow me every day.

It feels good to know that. Believing it is still hard. But I do KNOW it. And that's enough.








tl;dr version?

Depression is real, and it sucks. You can get better on your own sometimes, but other times, you may need medication to help you, and THAT IS OK. It will get better. One day, you'll look back and not even know how to imagine being this sad. It. Will. Pass.