Hello!
I very much doubt many of those who originally started reading this blog are still following it at all, since I haven't updated since February. Sorry about that. But, that explanation comes later.
First of all, a quick update. I went on a fantastic and wonderful roadtrip journey across the country, starting in Bellingham, WA, going down through California, across to New Orleans, LA, and finally ending up back home in Ohio. It was beautiful, humbling, and one of the best things I have ever done, despite my current financial issues that were not helped by this adventure. I am back in college, and Social Work has officially become my focus for my forseeable future. I am back with my oldest and dearest family and friends, and it is wonderful...it really is.
That being said, I am pretty spectacularly depressed.
It started when I was at the tail end of my journey, then went away for a bit, and then has continued to worsen over time. There are many reasons for this, I am quite sure, and many of them have become obvious to me through self-reflection and the never-ending observations of others (which are so crucial to me staying in reality). I think the worst part about being depressed is the complete lack of perspective that it brings. I AM HAPPY. No, really. I have the people I have loved for my whole life within reach, for the most part. I finally get to see my sister on a daily basis, a part of my life that I have missed so deeply. I feel at peace with my career decision. I'm being more open and honest about my Bipolar Disorder than ever, and I've even been taking the proactive steps to track my symptoms to better assist in my continued existence. (Moodtracker.com is awesome, but that's for another post)
And yet.
And yet I have been sleeping too much (14 hours) or too little (3 hours) at night, only to want to nap throughout the day, regardless. I am currently on the "too little" end of the spectrum, having woken up from a nightmare about an hour ago. I found myself thinking, (a dangerous past-time; I know -Beauty and the Beast ) and then I found myself remembering this site.
Its not that I forgot about it exactly. Its that I've been doing well, so it wasn't on the forefront of my mind. When I started it, I was entering into hypomania, which meant that I wanted to talk, and grow, and expand into the universe to be a part of everything...yadda yadda. I had a lot in my brain, and there was this PRESSURE to get it out. Then, responsibly, I recognized it and got help. Gradually, the NEED to write drifted into a desire to write, then into a mild interest, then into pretty much forgetting why I started this thing in the first place.
I started this blog first and foremost to purge myself of the demons that Bipolar has presented me with, as quite generous gifts. I wanted to educate myself and others about the disorder, and put a human face onto the disorder, as many that tried before and succeeded.
I want to come back to that. It was cathartic, and actually helped me realize that I was drifting into the "bad-place."
I am depressed. I'd go with mildly-moderately. Most days, mild. I am still taking my medications, but I need to change my antidepressant and my sleep medication, I think. In keeping with "needing to change" such things, I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist here. Granted, it was 3 weeks from the day I called to see him, but I'll take it. It was worse in New Orleans.
I cannot promise that I will be loyal in updating this blog again, any more than I can promise that I won't drop a glass full of milk tomorrow morning. But I will try. Being depressed makes it harder to want to dredge my mind for semi-interesting things, but I do end up with a lot of time at 3am to stare at walls.
Answers to a few questions you may ask:
Q. Where are you, on a scale of 1-to-Suicide?
A. Meh, about a 3. Honestly, that's really nothing to worry about. That basically means that I think about it a little more than usual, but do not desire to hurt myself, nor do I have any plans to do so. Still want to be alive. Would like things to be less difficult, but in the hey-I'm-still-breathing kind of way.
Q. Are you REALLY still taking your medications?
A. Yes, really. As prescribed, even. I hope to change a few of them soon, but I am not changing them on my own. Well, except for going back on Seroquel briefly to see if that would help with my sleep, but I was never taken off of it, and was left with the impression that it was on my discretion whether or not I should use it.
Q. Are you self-harming?
A. Except for the urge to smoke an occasional cigarette, no. I have put in measures to bring that down from about 4 a day to none, though. My sister has my pack, and I get one per day. Since I have no money, there is no concern about me buying more.
Q. Does anyone know?
A. Well, I hope you can keep my secret, internet...Shhhhh. Of course people know! That was the point of "coming out"! Silly internet. My sister, her mate, and many of my best friends are on the daily roster for checking in and processing. I feel horrifically guilty about this, but a majority of that is the depression talking, and I actually hope to get on that topic later.
Q. How's school going?
A. Fine, actually. I am taking the fewest credit hours of any semester/quarter in the history of my life (12 hours), but I'm enjoying it. The stress is both good and bad, but way more in the good than the bad.
Q. Where are you working?
A. Don't talk about that. Really, I might start getting upset. Suffice it to say, I don't have a job right now, despite many applications and an actual job offer that got rescinded by corporate because the company went into a hiring freeze. I hate, hate, hate not having work. This is the first time I've been unemployed since I was 15, and I am not handling it very well.
I think that about covers it for now. Thanks for being here for me, internet. And thank GOD you are not my only place to seek solace and help.
Be safe,
Z
Showing posts with label hypomanic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hypomanic. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Vocab Quiz?
It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been throwing around some terminology that many people outside of the mental health experience may not be familiar with. I will attempt to define some of these words in simplified language. It you want to understand them better, I suggest the following websites for further information, try the following links, or just ask me:
http://bipolar.about.com/od/glossary/Glossary_of_Bipolar_Disorder_Terms.htm
http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/understanding-bipolar.html
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=nami_connection&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=67728
Bipolar Disorder I- The most severe form of Bipolar Disorder. According to the DSM-IV, Bipolar I is “characterized by one or more manic or mixed episodes, usually accompanied by multiple major depressive episodes.” Bipolar I is the kind most often depicted in the media. (See: Mania)
Bipolar Disorder II- Right now, this is “what I have”, but diagnosis can change as more symptoms develop over time. According to the DSM-IV, Bipolar II disorder is “characterized by one or more major depressive episodes accompanied by at least one hypomanic episode.” The main difference in the two is that those with Bipolar II have hypomanic episodes, but no manic episodes.
Cyclothymia- Sometimes called Bipolar III, it’s known as a “mild” form of Bipolar Disorder. In cyclothymic disorders, the patient will range from mild depression to euphoria and excitement, but stop short of the extremes of the disorder.
Off-Label- The FDA approves medications for specific uses. If a medication is prescribed by a doctor for another use, it is called an “off-label” use. For example, I used Trazodone and Seroquel off-label. Trazodone is usually a depression medication, and Seroquel is for psychosis. But when used in lower doses, they work in different ways in the body.
Baseline- The range of emotions and actions that make up what you, doctors, and support people (family/friends) find to be “normal.” Everyone’s baseline is different. My baseline is high energy, upbeat, and sometimes confrontational. Suzy might be withdrawn, pessimistic, and conflict-avoidant. Both of our individual “baselines” are normal, even though they are different.
Depression- All encompassing low mood, low self esteem, loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed, low energy level. Can be accompanied by insomnia or hypersomnia (too much sleep). Can impact work or relationships.
Severe Depression- Same symptoms as above, but higher severity and longer duration. Suicidal ideation and attempts are usually found in severe depression. There will be negative effects on work, school, relationships, hygiene…pretty much anything you can imagine.
Hypomania- Literally meaning “below mania” is generally a period of persistent elevated or euphoric moods. It can also be a period of high agitation and irritability. Racing thoughts, pressured speech, and an idea of “the rest of the world moving too slow.” People in a hypomanic state have little need for sleep, are outgoing, competitive, confrontational, and usually have a higher productivity. Hypomania is separated from mania in that it does not have the psychotic symptoms, and doesn’t tend to impair day to day function. Classic symptoms: “mild euphoria, a flood if ideas, endless energy, and a desire and drive for success”
Mania- A state of elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and energy levels. All of the symptoms found in hypomania can be found here, with the addition of psychosis. Mania is also associated with gambling, shopping sprees, affairs/sudden divorces, unprotected and dangerous sex, and other excesses.
Mixed Episode- An episode that no one wants to have. It combines the worst parts of hypomanic/manic with the worst parts of depression. Basically, you can be high energy, insomniac, suicidal, depressed, creative and driven all at the same time. Not a good combination.
Suicidal Ideation- Thoughts of suicide. From “wishing to die” to making a plan, this simply means that suicide is on the mind of the individual. There are varying degrees of severity.
Successful suicide attempt- Results in death.
Unsuccessful suicide attempt- Does not result in death.
Racing Thoughts- I found this on Wikipedia and thought it was a great explanation, so I’m just going to copy it verbatim. “Racing thoughts may be experienced as background or take over a person's consciousness. Thoughts, music, and voices might be zooming through one's mind. There also might be a repetitive pattern of voice or of pressure without any associated "sound". It is a very overwhelming and irritating feeling, and can result in losing track of time.”
Pressured Speech- “Rapid, loud and difficult-to-interrupt speech characteristic of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. The person may be extremely talkative and continue to talk even though no one is listening.” This is not just being chatty. I’m a chatty person by nature. But this is me to the ^10th. I will babble on incoherently, often having to force myself to stop to breathe. I will also flit from topic to topic more than I usually would, or talk more about my feelings than I usually do.
Psychosis- This is a generic psychiatric term for what most people would just call “crazy.” The actual definition is more along the lines of “having lost touch with reality.” Hallucinations, delusional beliefs, sudden personality changes can all be aspects of psychosis.
I hope this clarifies some of these ideas. These are merely my summation of these terms, and I do not pretend to be an expert. Addtionally, my definition is colored by what I have personally experienced.
-Z
http://bipolar.about.com/od/glossary/Glossary_of_Bipolar_Disorder_Terms.htm
http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/understanding-bipolar.html
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=nami_connection&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=67728
Bipolar Disorder I- The most severe form of Bipolar Disorder. According to the DSM-IV, Bipolar I is “characterized by one or more manic or mixed episodes, usually accompanied by multiple major depressive episodes.” Bipolar I is the kind most often depicted in the media. (See: Mania)
Bipolar Disorder II- Right now, this is “what I have”, but diagnosis can change as more symptoms develop over time. According to the DSM-IV, Bipolar II disorder is “characterized by one or more major depressive episodes accompanied by at least one hypomanic episode.” The main difference in the two is that those with Bipolar II have hypomanic episodes, but no manic episodes.
Cyclothymia- Sometimes called Bipolar III, it’s known as a “mild” form of Bipolar Disorder. In cyclothymic disorders, the patient will range from mild depression to euphoria and excitement, but stop short of the extremes of the disorder.
Off-Label- The FDA approves medications for specific uses. If a medication is prescribed by a doctor for another use, it is called an “off-label” use. For example, I used Trazodone and Seroquel off-label. Trazodone is usually a depression medication, and Seroquel is for psychosis. But when used in lower doses, they work in different ways in the body.
Baseline- The range of emotions and actions that make up what you, doctors, and support people (family/friends) find to be “normal.” Everyone’s baseline is different. My baseline is high energy, upbeat, and sometimes confrontational. Suzy might be withdrawn, pessimistic, and conflict-avoidant. Both of our individual “baselines” are normal, even though they are different.
Depression- All encompassing low mood, low self esteem, loss of interest in activities usually enjoyed, low energy level. Can be accompanied by insomnia or hypersomnia (too much sleep). Can impact work or relationships.
Severe Depression- Same symptoms as above, but higher severity and longer duration. Suicidal ideation and attempts are usually found in severe depression. There will be negative effects on work, school, relationships, hygiene…pretty much anything you can imagine.
Hypomania- Literally meaning “below mania” is generally a period of persistent elevated or euphoric moods. It can also be a period of high agitation and irritability. Racing thoughts, pressured speech, and an idea of “the rest of the world moving too slow.” People in a hypomanic state have little need for sleep, are outgoing, competitive, confrontational, and usually have a higher productivity. Hypomania is separated from mania in that it does not have the psychotic symptoms, and doesn’t tend to impair day to day function. Classic symptoms: “mild euphoria, a flood if ideas, endless energy, and a desire and drive for success”
Mania- A state of elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and energy levels. All of the symptoms found in hypomania can be found here, with the addition of psychosis. Mania is also associated with gambling, shopping sprees, affairs/sudden divorces, unprotected and dangerous sex, and other excesses.
Mixed Episode- An episode that no one wants to have. It combines the worst parts of hypomanic/manic with the worst parts of depression. Basically, you can be high energy, insomniac, suicidal, depressed, creative and driven all at the same time. Not a good combination.
Suicidal Ideation- Thoughts of suicide. From “wishing to die” to making a plan, this simply means that suicide is on the mind of the individual. There are varying degrees of severity.
Successful suicide attempt- Results in death.
Unsuccessful suicide attempt- Does not result in death.
Racing Thoughts- I found this on Wikipedia and thought it was a great explanation, so I’m just going to copy it verbatim. “Racing thoughts may be experienced as background or take over a person's consciousness. Thoughts, music, and voices might be zooming through one's mind. There also might be a repetitive pattern of voice or of pressure without any associated "sound". It is a very overwhelming and irritating feeling, and can result in losing track of time.”
Pressured Speech- “Rapid, loud and difficult-to-interrupt speech characteristic of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. The person may be extremely talkative and continue to talk even though no one is listening.” This is not just being chatty. I’m a chatty person by nature. But this is me to the ^10th. I will babble on incoherently, often having to force myself to stop to breathe. I will also flit from topic to topic more than I usually would, or talk more about my feelings than I usually do.
Psychosis- This is a generic psychiatric term for what most people would just call “crazy.” The actual definition is more along the lines of “having lost touch with reality.” Hallucinations, delusional beliefs, sudden personality changes can all be aspects of psychosis.
I hope this clarifies some of these ideas. These are merely my summation of these terms, and I do not pretend to be an expert. Addtionally, my definition is colored by what I have personally experienced.
-Z
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